Tekken, The Documentary
by NerdzClub
Summary: Join us, as we uncover such mysteries as Heihachi's diaper suit from Tekken 4, Why Gon rides dolphins, and why Eddy is one of Christie's suits in Tekken 5. FINISHED Also, the sequel is now out: TEKKEN, THE BIOGRAPHIES!
1. Chapter 1

A/N This is my second Fanfiction.I don't own Tekken… _yet… (EVIL LAUGH)_

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Tekken, the Documentary is brought to you by Solidwear Underwear. We've got the important things covered (wink).

Tekken, the Documentary is also brought to you in part by the Institute of the Mentally Challenged. Try our IMC online course today!

Let us go back in time, shall we?

To a simpler time, where bears didn't need reason to join a fighting tournament… A time when Mexican Ogres didn't go on killing sprees, when a foot tall orange dinosaur doesn't jump out of oceans on enslaved dolphins (look at Gons ending of Tekken 3. I swear, that dolphin frowns on my TV, but next door it looks normal…)… a time where a work of science didn't include putting boxing gloves on freaking everything… kangaroos, raptors, a British son of an assassin, and Bruce Irvin.

A man named Baek Doo San opened a simple dojo. People came, and soon a rival dojo- run by Marshall Law began some much-needed competition. Baek's Tae-Kwon-Doo skills were matched only by Marshall Law's Martial Arts. This could not be! Days later, several of Marshall's students were beaten up in public… and no one knew who beat them up.

A local who saw the accident claims, "It was all so fast! Marshall's students were sparring and practicing, when suddenly some guy leaped out of the crowded and knocked the hell out of them"

Marshall Law could not be reached for comment.

Baek Doo San admits to it, but says that it's because "One of his students beat up one of my students.

The student claims he was beat up by another student.

That student was neither Baek's nor Law's, admitted to beating them up, and left.

Suddenly, Baek disappeared after Tekken 2, never to be seen until Tekken 5… I mean… yeah.


	2. The Revenge of Chapter 1

A/N I need ideas. Give me them!

Today's Tekken, the Documentary episode is brought to you by….

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Tekken, the Documentary is brought to you in part by….

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Today we will explore the origins of Heihachi's Super diaper costume from Tekken 4. Why would Heihachi wear that thing in public, or even in private? If anything, it would make the television broadcast (yes, it was televised, see Christie's T4 ending?) ratings go DOWN.

It began like every other morning. Except this one was different. Ogre had escaped Heihachi's men. Or, in more detail, Ogre tore apart his Commander, ate away at the souls of thirty two others, and then leisurely left. Heihachi had nothing. The Ogre was gone, he had no Devil Gene, and his Tekken Force, who had found his dead son alive twenty years after he died... they were not having a very good time. He knew he'd have to host Tekken 4 in order to lure Jin and Kazuya out, because he knew that fighting tournaments would lure the bastards out like flies to a lamp… or was that mosquitoes? Matters, it does not. Heihachi needed money to host this tournament. After his lemonade stand idea went sour, Heihachi decided that the best course of action, the only way to regain his honor, was to gamble his life away. And so he did. Eventually some teenager with a fake ID beat Heihachi up so badly that he went even farther into debt. But the illegal gambler felt sorry for him, so later that year Tekken 4 was held. Heihachi donned his sumo diaper to make up for his debt.

Case Closed

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Next time: in Tekken 5, why is Eddy a costume? Why the _HELL _is Eddy a costume! 


	3. Chapter 1 strikes back!

A/N I hope you saw Star Wars III. I have a couple references here…

Today's Tekken, the Documentary, is brought to you by:

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The help and support from Viewers Like You! ™

For those of you who don't own the big T5, here's the scoop: You can customize your characters! You can make Hwoarang fight with a Guitar strapped to his back! Grow Jin's hair out or make him look like dear old daddy! Turn Panda green (or any other primary or secondary color you fancy). You can also buy entirely new costumes to customize and wreck! But by far the nastiest, creepiest occurrence would be the choice of buying Christies final costume. No, it's not what you're thinking. You freaking dirty pervert. No, she can apparently put on Eddy, because Eddy himself is her costume. Yes, her Brazilian Capoira Master with the cool dreadlocks Eddy. She wears him. We investigate the conspiracy, ladies and gentlemen, this is not for the faint at heart, viewer discretion is advised, but hell, no one cares if you use discretion or not, so here goes.

At Tekken 4, where our favorite busty Brazilian was introduced, Eddy had mysteriously disappeared. He went to get revenge for his father's debt. I mean death. So he's gone, and his student, Christie, goes to find him.

Fast-forward to her ending. She's up there on stage (after beating diaper-Heihachi) and suddenly she thinks she sees Eddy (with a cast on his arm) standing around in the crowd! She finds him and for a moment, everyone's happy. End tape, the movie is over. What you do not see: she finds out he was trying to abandon her, which would explain his sudden disappearance. So she goes all Anakin Skywalker on him in a mood reflecting volcanic planet, underestimates a jump (stupid teenagers. Think their freaking invincible…) and dies. Oh, wait. No, Eddy tries to help her, but she accidentally pulls on his broken arm (remember the cast?) Eddy falls on a really sharp Brazilian-hating rock and dies.

As our resources tell us, Christie was suddenly aware that her Grandpa would want to see his student- her master, Eddy. So she… well, she wore Eddy to her grandpa's….

Case Closed

Next time the disturbing Pedophilia of Ganyru (that's the liking and touching of kids, for the uneducated. Thanks Omnicient Shadow for the idea.)


	4. The return of Chapter 1

A/N This is my second Fanfiction.I don't own Tekken… _yet… (EVIL LAUGH)_

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Today's episode: By popular demand (one person requested it in their review), the Ganryu case of Pedophile.

Let us start where the investigation began- with the young Michelle Chang. It is the end of the first Tekken tournament, and 53 kilogram Michelle is face-to-face with then 125 kilogram Ganryu (later, sources leak that his weight was four times that number, but it was decreased through bribery and threatening of a body slam (shudder).

It wasn't until after Michelle opened a Native American can of whoop-ass on him that he decided, knocked to the ground, that he liked that little she-devil that was beating the fat out of him. Please note that in Tekken, Michelle is 18. Michelle made it high into Tekken, but then found out that the "Mishima" that she wanted revenge for was gone. So she went home. Ganryu is 32 at the time.

By now you're thinking "What the hell? A 32 year old sumo wrestler hitting on some 18 year old?" It gets worse.

According to math, Michelle adopted Julia when she is 19 after finding her abandoned in the desert.

Another year later, Tekken 2 is announced. Ganryu is employed by Kazuya Mishima. He wishes to impress Julia... I mean Michelle. He is now 34. His attempts fail. Michelle is 20. Tekken 3. Julia is 18 and pretty hot. Michelle is now in her thirties. Ganyru is too old, period. About 50. And he is still interested in Michelle (give it up, man) and now Julia. A disturbing plot in the making? Possible. In the world of Tekken, anything is possible. I mean, Nina has been 22 for eighteen years. Jinpachi is a hundred fifty or something, and, aside from the monstrous appearance, he's looking pretty healthy (it's not like he's gonna poof into sand, right?) But does 52 year old sumo wrestler Ganryu stand a chance? Viewers, you decide.

This episode was written in honor of our two-hundreth hit, but now its 265 hits. There will be another chapter soon. And that, ladies and gentlemen, will be the final chapter until the sequel. Yes. I want a sequel!


	5. Chapter 1, anniversary edition

This episode was written in honor of our hundredth hit, but now 550 or so hits. Wow. Time flies.

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Today, we discover the disturbing mystery that is Gon's Tekken 3 ending. Let's fill in the ignorant. 

Gon is a popular orange dinosaur in comics in Japan (or so say our sources). He was inserted into the PlayStation version of Tekken 3 just for kicks. But how lighthearted is this gruesome ending? It begins with a nice little beat as Gon jumps out of the water… but slow motion. Look at Gon. Look at his intent frown. Study his focused, determined eyes. Why was he there, and what was he looking for? Some theories suggest that he was looking for everyone's most favorite Ogre: Toshin, God of Fighting. Others say he was seeking out food. It is a known fact that Tiniorangesaurs (Pronounced Tiny-Orange-e-saurs) prey on lesser predators, such as T Rex, the Allosaur, and the super-shark, the worlds ever largest predator, the Megalodon. Yeah, I bet some of you thought I'd say Sperm Whale. What the hell is up with that name?

Anyway, all facts lead to the contrary. It is apparent that such feats as being blown away by a whale's blow hole would be impressive. Maybe Gon was trying to attract a female Tiniorang… dinosaur? Tough luck, Gon. Your last chance was about 65 million years ago.

Case Closed

I have more ideas, butI want totrythem slightly differently.I plan on a sequel, called "Tekken, the Biography". Look out for it in late July, 2005! Peace.


	6. Chapter 1, Special Edition

Today's Tekken, the Documentary is brought to you by….

Holy Smokes, by Marlboro… Are you in heaven or are you just high?

-NEWSBREAK-

The Energizer Bunny has been arrested an hour ago. Sources claim he was charged with battery. More on this tonight at 11, on NZC channel 16. (cue generic news station music)

--

A/N Hi all, I know this series is over, but after two years I'm finally back to continue the series, with the promised sequel, "Tekken, the Biography", this year (yeah, I know I said that two years ago, but this time I've already started).

Anyway, I've also come to talk to you about a very serious issue that is arising- overpopulation of characters in the Tekken series. In the first Tekken, there were roughly 20 total characters, including unlockable characters. By Tekken 2 there were 25, a regular growth. Tekken 3 keeps true to these populations, in the low 20's, where there is a fair cast of original characters to choose from, but not so many that one takes as much time to pick their character as they do to actually friggin' fight.

And then comes Tekken Tag. 39 characters. Considering that four of them will be on the battlefield at a time, my adversaries argue that it only makes sense that there be two times as many characters to choose from, but wait a second. Even though Tekken 4 brought the swelling back down to the oh-so-sacred "low 20's", there are **36** **individual characters** in Tekken 5. As I'm sure you know, Tekken 5 is NOT like Tekken Tag. You must choose one character.

According to these disturbing trends, it is estimated that by the time the (assumed) Tekken 8 comes out (sometime in late 2010, estimates say) there will be at least 50 characters, most of which won't even have a discernable story line. Because of this, the earth will heat up and all of the polar bears will die. We will have more hurricanes and in general the quality of life will worsen until a man that failed to become the U.S. President narrates a movie about it and wins some awards, which will solve the problem for unclear reasons (if you don't understand this, consider yourself lucky because Al Gore is a bastard).

What other implications does the population increase hold for us? Well, there's the fact that in Tekken 1, only the 19-20 most powerful fighters in the world (allegedly) are participating in the tournament. As it turns out, the number of the most powerful fighters slowly increases as time goes on. By the year 2100, everyone (with the exception of the polar bears, who will be no more) will be the most powerful fighter in the world and have their own backgrounds that hardly anyone will ever read because there are 12 billion other people's backgrounds to investigate.

For more information, we have briefly discussed the issue with Dr. Biskonovitch, renown Tekken Demographer.

"I know everything," Dr. B informs us. "I know, for instance, that this entire chapter was devised primarily so that you can inform everyone that's reading this that the sequel is finally underway, since you promised to give them a sequel two years ago and they probably no longer recognize your existence."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I say. Of course he's not telling the truth (NOTE: He might be). "Now, why is it that the number of Tekken fighters has increased so much?"

"Oh, that's easy," the old man assures me. This entire time he was on his back, but he manages to stand up long enough to address the camera. I have no idea why he's always lying on his back. "People like lots of choices, even if it's certain that people never use some of them. For instance, Gon and I were completely unfair characters, out of range of most middle and high attacks. It was hell trying to fight us. But Tekken 3 sold a lot of copies, didn't it? And it only had a few more characters than the arcade version.

"Tekken 5 has another insanely unfair character," Dr. B continued, "I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. I'll give you a clue. His names starts with an alcoholic beverage and ends with a 'pachi'"

For those of you with an IQ below room-temperature, he is of course talking about Grandpa. Jinpachi is an asshole with a mouth where his stomach should be. Also, he is undoubtedly the cheapest and most difficult character to defeat in recent Tekken history. Most frustratingly, he is not a playable character (not without some insane cheating, anyway). The main motivation behind killing Devil and Ogre with every damn character in Tekken 2 and 3 was the heartwarming knowledge that I can one day be them, slaughtering characters left and right. Jinpachi is just plain evil, and the major reason I killed him was just to kill him. If _I_ can't be him, **nobody can**.

Remember, if you recycle and limit your pollution, the grim world described in this chapter may never happen. Hopefully, it wouldn't happen regardless.

Tekken, the Biographies (the sequel I promised) will begin in February 2007, probably next week (for real this time, I've already finished the first Chapter!). Look out for it!


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